How to Handle Someone Who Expected an Invite to Your Rehearsal Dinner
By Meghan Ely, OFD Consulting
Rehearsal dinners have been a time-honored tradition for nearly a century, providing an opportunity for couples to relax before the big day and express gratitude to those closest to them in a more laidback setting. Typically reserved for close family and friends, rehearsal dinners are often small, casual, and low-key gatherings.
“A rehearsal dinner is typically made up of immediate family and the wedding party and their significant others,” explains Emily Sullivan of Unique Weddings and Events. “However, if you have guests from out of town, it's a good idea to include them as well.”
For destination weddings, Sullivan notes that it’s common to “include all your guests and have a more casual dinner.” Larger welcome parties are also a popular way to kick off a destination wedding celebration.
But, if you’re marrying close to home, you may find yourselves navigating a situation where someone assumes they’re invited to the rehearsal dinner — even if they’re not on the guest list. Whether it’s a distant relative, family friend, or colleague, it’s wise to anticipate these awkward moments and prepare a response just in case.
While it’s tempting to please everyone, sticking to your plan (and budget) is key. Here are a few ways to address the situation gracefully and maintain harmony going into your big day.
Photo credit: Woodland Fields Photography
Don't get stressed - get Let's Get Rehearsed’s FREE rehearsal dinner guide packed full of everything you need to plan a welcome party, from saving money to celebrating the night before the big day!
Practice kindness
When someone approaches you about not receiving an invite, you might feel taken aback at first. It may seem rude, entitled, or disrespectful for a wedding guest to assume their invitation extends to the rehearsal dinner. But before giving into a knee-jerk reaction, it’s best to take a step back and offer compassion in return.
(Let’s Get Rehearsed editor’s note: For more on rehearsal dinner compromises, check out “Help! I’m Really Unhappy With The Rehearsal Dinner My Fiance’s Family Is Planning” and our article on how to compromise on the rehearsal dinner.)
“The worst possible scenario is saying something out of anger or frustration,” assures Jen Sulak of Weirdo Weddings. “Look at the situation first, think about it, and then speak. Give a little grace for those you love when they may have hurt feelings.”
Most of the time, it’s a matter of harmless ignorance. Your loved one doesn’t mean to intrude; they’re simply unaware of the customs and are excited to celebrate with you. Try not to take it personally, and steer the conversation in a positive direction instead.
“Express how much you value their presence at the wedding itself and emphasize that the dinner is more about logistics,” suggests Craig Peterman of Craig Peterman Photography & Videography. “Offering to catch up with them during the reception or at another time can help soften the blow as well.”
Your wedding week isn’t a time for drama or disagreements. Aim to defuse uncomfortable situations by leading with kindness and using clear, effective communication to ease any tension.
Be honest
Being kind doesn’t mean allowing people to step all over your boundaries. You can enforce your rehearsal dinner restrictions while remaining courteous and understanding. Honesty is the best policy in these scenarios, especially if someone brings up a non-existent invitation to your rehearsal dinner. After all, it’s hard to argue with facts!
Kevin Dennis of Fantasy Sound Event Services encourages couples to “be upfront and kindly explain that the dinner is reserved for those who will participate in the wedding ceremony and/or family members who traveled to celebrate.”
It’s your weekend; nobody has the right to impose on your plans! While you’re not required to give an explanation, event planner Keith Willard notes that budgeting is a sound argument if you feel the need to back up your reasoning.
“There is always the option to say that the rehearsal dinner was kept very small due to lack of space at the restaurant or that the cost was just too much,” he confirms. “Rehearsal dinners can get expensive quickly, so being very selective about who you invite is not an unreasonable situation.”
(Let’s Get Rehearsed editor’s note: If you’re looking to save on the rehearsal dinner, check out “6 Ways to Save Money On Your Wedding Rehearsal Dinner”)
While it can feel uncomfortable to say no, bending the rules for one person can lead to a stressful snowball effect of guests feeling left out and wanting to attend. Most people will understand that weddings come with limitations, so stand firm in your decision and offer a clear explanation upfront to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Photo credit: Siobhan Stanton Photography
Offer alternative activities
If you feel uneasy leaving people out of the rehearsal dinner, propose alternative activities for them to enjoy the night before the wedding. One popular option is to host a wedding welcome party after the rehearsal dinner for all of your wedding guests to attend.
Nikisha King of Nikisha King Design House recommends “inviting guests for drinks following the rehearsal dinner, enabling those who missed the rehearsal dinner to still partake in the joyous occasion and create memorable experiences with the couple.” A casual cocktail hour with desserts is a great way to bring everyone together without the formality and pressure of hosting a large sit-down meal.
Perhaps you’re not up for hosting two events the night before your wedding — that’s fair! In that case, consider encouraging people to explore the area and connect with other guests arriving for the wedding.
Dennis suggests “putting everyone in contact so they can have the option to organize a group dinner around the same time as the rehearsal dinner.” This approach allows other guests to break the ice and have some fun without adding planning tasks to your plate.
To help, consider compiling a list of your favorite local haunts for guests to get a taste of your lives together. “Point them to restaurants and activity recommendations to do the day before your wedding and let them know you are excited to see them,” Loni Peterson of LP Creative Events says.
The cafe where you met, the restaurant where you had your first date, the park where you got engaged — let them experience pieces of your love story! Share this information on your wedding website or in guests’ wedding welcome gift bags upon checking in at the hotel.
So…what happens if they actually show up?
You can be as clear as possible in your communication leading up to the rehearsal dinner, but if the message doesn’t get through, you might end up with an uninvited guest. While it’s certainly not ideal, avoid making a scene and letting the situation escalate.
If someone arrives unannounced, “the best thing is to pull up a seat and welcome them to the party,” asserts Kelsey Strickland of Twickenham House and Hall. “It is awkward if you ask them to leave and embarrassing if you do not acknowledge their presence.”
Logistically, work with the caterer, kitchen, or planner to remedy the situation. For a buffet, it could be as simple as making space at the table. With plated meals, consult with the professionals to ensure they can accommodate an extra meal.
(Let’s Get Rehearsed editor’s note: To make sure your vendors are ready for emergency wedding situations, check out this couple’s incredible advice about how to find the best vendors!)
“It is uncomfortable when it happens, but the best thing you can do is pivot and adapt,” Strickland confirms.
Handling someone who expected an invite to your rehearsal dinner can be a delicate situation, but one you can navigate through gracefully with honesty, kindness, and effective communication. Your rehearsal dinner is meant to be an intimate occasion that reflects your preferences — it’s OK to set boundaries to ensure it remains that way!
Don't get stressed - get Let's Get Rehearsed’s FREE rehearsal dinner guide packed full of everything you need to plan a welcome party, from saving money to celebrating the night before the big day!
If you’re planning a rehearsal dinner, don’t miss some of these must-read resources:
Help! I’m Really Unhappy With The Rehearsal Dinner My Fiance’s Family Is Planning
From One Couple to Another: Advice for Planning a Rehearsal Dinner
How to Assemble Wedding Welcome Gifts for Distribution at the Rehearsal Dinner
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Meghan Ely is the owner of wedding PR and wedding marketing firm OFD Consulting. Ely is a sought-after speaker, adjunct professor in the field of public relations, and a self-professed royal wedding enthusiast.